


Sex Advice

by SuperRedRobin (SweetFanfics)



Category: DCU, DCU - Comicverse
Genre: M/M, sex advice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-05
Updated: 2012-01-05
Packaged: 2017-10-28 23:49:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/313520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SweetFanfics/pseuds/SuperRedRobin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clark gives Kon some sex advice.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the conversation   
> Rose: "I wonder if Clark gives Kon sex advice."   
> Abby: "zomg Rose! xDDDD I wonder if there’s a fanfic about this."
> 
> There is now.  
> OHGOD I'm so not funny just shoot me

 

“You two _are_ using condoms right?”

 

Kon almost choked on his coffee at the sudden question. But it was too late. Half of the dark liquid went down the wrong tube and he coughed and hacked in uncomfortable pain as Clark blandly took a long sip from his own mug.

 

Kon wheezed as he tried to get his breath back and choked out, “ _EXCUSE_ me?!”

 

Clark didn’t even bat an eyelash as he repeated, “You and Tim…you ARE using condoms right? I know it would be highly unlikely to assume that two 18 years are together and _not_ engaging in some kind of sex. And frankly, to think like that would be naive. So I can only hope that you two are being responsible.” 

 

Kon stared at Clark for a moment, torn between jumping out of his seat and flying away from this conversation or wait for his brain to wake up. But this was reality, as he was cheerfully reminded by the hot burning liquid on his tongue and he sighed into his mug. This was a conversation he hadn’t thought he’d be having with Superman.

 

“Yes we’re being responsible.” He gave Clark a dry look over the rim of his mug, “This _is_ Tim we’re talking about. The guy’s a poster boy for responsibility.”

 

Clark let out a soft noise of agreement into his coffee and Kon was relieved. Perhaps this was as far as their talk would go.

 

“You make sure to use lots of lubrication right?”

 

Kon closed his eyes and counted to ten and beat down the urge to run away. Instead he focused on keeping his breathing steady and to _not_ crack the mug in his hands. He opened his eyes and ground out, “Yes, yes we do.”

 

Clark expression was dead serious. “ _Proper_ lubrication right? Not…” He waved a hand as he spoke, “olive oil or honey or spit right?”

 

Kon rolled his eyes in irritation, “Do you take us for idiots? _Who_ in their right mind would use olive oil? And honey? _Seriously_? That’s just _begging_ for a yeast infection or something.”

 

Clark’s expression was borderline amused as he placed his mug down on the kitchen table, “You’d be surprised.”

 

Kon’s expression blanched, “People are _weird._ ” And he held a hand up as Clark opened his mouth, “And before you ask again, yes we use proper lube.” He raised his mug to his lips as he muttered under his breath, “And never anything else.”

 

“I wouldn’t recommend using Vaseline though.”

 

Kon raised a wary (yet curious) eyebrow and inquired, “Why exactly?”

 

Clark’s expression became slightly sheepish, “Vaseline and latex don’t go well together.”

 

“Huh…I didn’t know that.” Adding that knowledge away for another day, Kon took another sip. And paused. “Wait.”

 

He gaze Clark a suspicious look, “How do you know about that?” His face twisted in horror and revulsion, “Oh _don’t tell me_ that you and Lois…”

 

His eyes almost popped of his head as Clark’s expression became more sheepish and the tips of his ears went red. _“_ No way. NO. WAY. You had…you didn’t…arn’t you…holy _crap_.”

 

“Is it _that_ surprising?”, Clark asked.

 

Kon incredulously rolled his eyes, “I just found out that Superman bats on both teams. YES, it is VERY surprising. More surprising than the fact that _you’re_ giving _me_ ** _sex advice_**.”

 

“On the subject of which.” Kon groaned and brought a hand up to cover his eyes. Clark easily ignored the noise and continued speaking, “I hope you remember to keep yourself in check. After all, you _are_ a Super and Tim is human.”

 

Kon glared at Clark, “I am _well aware_ of that and trust me when I say that I’m VERY careful about everything. I don’t want to hurt Tim, in _any_ way. So I take my sweet time preparing him using _proper_ lube and we _always_ use condoms and whether I’m on top _or bottom_ , I make sure to keep my strength in check. And.” Kon held a finger up, “I make sure that Tim enjoys it.” He eyed Clark, “Anything else Dr. Lovegood?”

 

“How many positions have you tried out?”

 

Kon dropped his half-full mug on the table and stood up, “I’m not answering _that_.”

 

Clark frowned slightly, “You answered everything before.”

 

Kon spluttered as he waved his hands around, “Yeah but this like _personal_. I’m not telling you how many positions we’ve tried out! That’s just…. _wrong_.”

 

Clark seemed to ponder this for a moment, “Fair enough I suppose. Although I would recommend taking advantage of his flexibility.”

 

“Yeah yeah I’ll keep tha-” Kon froze as he processed the sentence and gave Clark an incredulous look, “His flexibility? How did you know ab-” His eyes narrowed dangerously as he leaned on the table, “You haven’t been spying on us or anything have you?”

 

Clark’s eyes widened as he waved a hand to wave the idea away, “Oh no no, of course not! I simply know that Robin’s are flexible. Although I hardly suppose that Tim would be as flexible as Richard but.” He shrugged easily, “He would still be quite supple.”

 

Kon continued to eye Clark, “And just _how_ do you know how flexible Dick is?”

 

And a light bulb went off his head.

 

His eyes flew open and his jaw dropped. “No WAY. You and… _SERIOUSLY?”_

 _  
_

Clark was suddenly extremely interested in the contents of his mug and somewhere in Bludhaven, Nightwing sneezed. And wondered if he was maybe coming down with a cold. _  
_


	2. Omake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘Tim’s not freaking out like Kon is about Clark. Why?’

Tim came up behind Kon, frowning slightly as he took in the completely shell shocked look on his boyfriend’s face. “Hey…are you okay? You look like you just saw something you wish you hadn’t.”

 _  
_Kon’s reply was slow, as though he was having trouble getting the words out. “I…just had the _weirdest_ conversation _ever_ with Clark.”

 

Red Robin raised a single eyebrow, curious and inquisitive. “Oh?”

 

An unsteady laugh crept out from Kon as he looked at Tim, “Oh YEAH. _Clark_ gave me SEX ADVICE. CLARK.” Kon couldn’t help but emphasis the words with accompanying hand gestures. His brain was sobbing as it was put through a bucket of brain bleach and being scrubbed on a washing board but to no avail because the knowledge was sticking to it like gum on hair.

 

“Oh and _by the way.”_ Kon paused for dramatic effect. “Superman’s bi. So yeah, my brain’s trying to reset except I keep going BSOD in here.” Kon pointed to his head before waving it around.

 

He was _extremely_ surprised at the lack of surprise (or a reaction) from Tim. The most he got was a small tilt of the head, “Yes. And?”

 

Kon gawked at the dark haired teen. “ _Excuse me?_ Did you MISS the part where I just told you that the world’s greatest hero bats for BOTH teams? HOW can that _not_ break your brain? Oh!” The meta snapped his fingers before pointing them at Tim in a lazy gesture, “and incidentally, he’s slept with Nightwing.” He mimed his head exploding before speaking, “My mind’s blown into so many tiny pieces that its beyond count okay.”

 

He gave Tim an incredulous look, “And I totally don’t get why _your_ mind hasn’t like, gone boom either.”

 

“Oh I knew about that already.” Tim shrugged easily. “I’ve known that for a long time now.”

 

Kon’s mouth fell open as he gawked at his boyfriend. “ _Dude_. You’ve known the _whole time_ that Superma…why didn’t you…” Tim was slightly amused that Kon was having trouble putting a full sentence together.

 

“How the _hell_ did you find that out?!” Kon managed to spit out.

 

Tim’s only reply was a smirk before he swept past Kon.

 

“Aw _come on_. Don’t do this to me Tim!” Tim’s smirk threatened to widen into a grin as Kon floated beside him. The whine in his voice rising as he spoke, “You _gotta_ tell me how you found out. Please? Come on dude!”

 

Tim ignored the floating, pleading meta as he walked through the hallway. There was no way in _hell_ that was going to tell Conner that he had once accidentally walked in on the two. The teen barely managed to stop himself from blanching as he recalled the incident. _‘Nope. No way in hell.’_ Tim thought to himself.


End file.
